The Fabulous Babe
A guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots a
walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her
is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so
attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she
shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and
Is it true you're a prostitute?
Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?
Well, I dunno. What do you charge?
I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.
$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?
You see that Ferrari out there?
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a
shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs.
Trust me, it's worth it.
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell.
He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever
This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in
his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar,
waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately
Last night was incredible!
Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs.
How much is that?
$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!
You see that apartment building across the street?
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow
jobs. Trust me, it's worth it. Based on the night before, the guy
go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows
up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
You see that island?
Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that! She nods her head.
You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!
The pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't
have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the
pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds onto Hwy. 95, and starts accelerating to see what
the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he seesthe
blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper come to his window. The trooper,seeing
who it was, says, "just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT???" Replied the cheif.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir. " replies the trooper, "but he's got the
Pope as his chauffeur."
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours
since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.
He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once
he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he
hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.. THAT PRESIDENT
CLINTON SHOULD HAVE
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.
her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to
do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't
appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through
her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and
she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight.
I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater
property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel
staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an
upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got
it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't
know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which
turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player who thought
could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who
left the office with the same gummy bears he came in with. There was
Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the
whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that
coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible
deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin for his
crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war
criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious streak shared by at least a
dozen former residents of the White House.
But now, the budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did
one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as
a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then
I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today
and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in
where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. Thank you, good night and
God bless America. Wishing you peace and groovy times.
John invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had
longbeen suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more
the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact,
shestarted to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you mustbe
thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your
mothercame to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt
I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from myhouse,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the
factremains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:>
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if
he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by
Three women had a very late night out drinking.
They left in the early
and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and
about who was drunker the night before. The first gal claims that she
was the drunkest,
saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I
got through the
door, I blew chunks." To which the second gal replied, "You think that
was drunk? I
got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around
the first tree I
saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by
far the most
drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle
burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a
moment Then the
first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my
Two women were chatting
and one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having
Mable answered,"Heavens No!
Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"
For all of us who have read one
too many self-help books: ;->
1. As I let go of my feelings of
guilt, I am in touch with my inner
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I
want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no
personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to
do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are
no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the
next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN
CROSS THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to
the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
SADDAM HUSSEIN/2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HYPOCRITES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken
use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy
within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-
day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital,
both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in
order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting
and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
poultry cross-media processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a
total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in
our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally elected in
such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
PAT BUCHANNAN: The chicken crossed the road to steal a job from a decent,
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
>> > Did the chicken cross the road?
>> > Did he cross it with a toad?
>> > Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
>> > but why it crossed it, I've not been told!
THE POPE: That is only for God to know.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
25 good reason why beer is better
1. You can enjoy a beer all month
2. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
3. Beer stains wash out.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the
car while you play baseball.
5. When your beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right you always get a good head.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with friends.
18. You know your always the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come home.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer to make it taste good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much better
now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to
see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on
my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an
hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an
hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are
getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. 's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home.
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.
>>>>>> you have
to read the dialog with a "Chinese accent" <<<<
A woman, Ms Chen, was very despondent over not having sex in a long
She became agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In
finding a solution to her problem, she decided it was time to visit a
Looking through the yellow pages, she came upon a Chinese doctor and
therapist, Dr. Chaing. She called and made an appointment.
Upon arrival, she told the doctor of her symptoms. Dr. Chaing said
crowes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She
crawled rapidly to the other side of the room."Now, you crawl real
me", the doctor said. She did. Dr. Chaing shook his head slowly and
haf real bad case of Zachary Disease.... worst case I efer see! That
have sex problem." The woman was completely confused, and asked the
exactly what Zachary Disease was.
The doctor replied, "Zachary Disease ... that when you face look
A man is in a hotel lobby and
wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into the woman
beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both
quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive
me. She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
An Arab has spent many days
crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of
sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It
that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
top and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a
rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to
a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were
and surrounded by beautiful women."
The Arab is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish
there's going to be a string attached.
The chicken and the egg
This is the true transcript of a
radio conversation between a US
naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland October 1995.
Americans : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
Canadians : Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
Americans : This is the Captain of a US navy ship and I say again
divert your course.
Canadians : No. I say again you divert your course.
Americans : This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, 2nd largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by 3
cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND you change your
course 15 degrees North that is one five degrees North or counter
measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians : This is a lighthouse. Your call.
LITTLE JOHNNY I
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can
even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can
I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees.. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town..
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out
"Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman
usually get bucked off!"
LITTLE JOHNNY II
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning,
"I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times..
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When
he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny
ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a
LITTLE JOHNNY III
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly
reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some
honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began
stomping on them in his temper..
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief
moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies,
and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His
father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said,
"No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and
got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.
She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there
watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy,
or do you want me to?"
LITTLE JOHNNY IV
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education
with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's
propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive
throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson,
the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class..
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with
some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a
baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher..
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and
trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin'' TV yesterday,
and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds
of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every
one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do
with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
LITTLE JOHNNY V
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy,
can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
LITTLE JOHNNY VI
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is,
"Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his
mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen
don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy
leave you? "To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and
then sends him to his room..
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse..
When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it
over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now.
You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you
got an 'F' in sex!!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY VII
Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement
where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together.
Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes,
pounding something into the wall..
"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad..
"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this
worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula
made the worm hard as a rock."
Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the
worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test
tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a
Toyota." So Little Johnny handed the test tube over..
The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand
new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about
"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is
from your mother."
LITTLE JOHNNY VIII
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure
they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that
grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was
called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his
hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few
very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little
Johnny how he knew this..
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still
LITTLE JOHNNY IX
Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for
his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and
watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."
Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in
the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother
asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says,
"That's great! How do you do that?"
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of
shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair
off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait
until your father gets home!!"
Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand
you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to
hang a door."
"Why don't you tell me," Dad asks..
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece
of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair
off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from
the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's
the electricians job!"
LITTLE JOHNNY X
Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He
goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you
doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.
daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along."
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and
catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?"
"What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!"
Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at
his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather
beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why
I'm dancing.." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?"
His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you
don't need a partner."
LITTLE JOHNNY XI
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when
his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were
five bird sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many
would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there
were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her
cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone,
which one is married ?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger. But I like the way you are thinking.."
LITTLE JOHNNY XII
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit,
and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny
raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked
Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the
second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny
is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call
on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking..
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is
about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips
him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says..
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey,
I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay,
I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
A game warden came upon a duck
hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and
decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed
his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if
I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the
warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into
the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a
Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting
license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the
warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second
duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed
it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state
hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state
hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same
finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have
an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more
aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden,
a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the
hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"YOU tell ME!"
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was for a drink.
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He took wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trade.
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His mother did not know who his real father was.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His first name was Jesus.
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS FROM CALIFORNIA:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
Three sisters decided to get
married on the same day to save their
parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce
the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the
kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest
daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to
herself, "That's normal,especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't
hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the
woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom,"
she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning
to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed
days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest
daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my